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*New Year New Nothing*

 

2017 was not a monumental year. Nothing major happened. I don’t feel like I need to do things exceedingly different than I did last year at all. That being said, there are some tweaks in my daily routine, my attitude and behavior that I would like to make in order to make my life more pleasant for myself and those around me. I undoubtedly want to stop cursing so much. I don’t know anyone who curses as much as I do, and I work in a hydraulics shop full of men. I would also like to make absolutely certain that I drink at least 64 ounces of water a day. I want to start waking up 15 minutes earlier so I can leave the house looking like a human being, and start a skin care routine that will have me looking fresh long after my expiration date. I don’t want to hold myself to eating healthier or exercising every single day because that will be the first thing I stop doing, and I don’t want to disappoint the hell out of myself. I will say that I am going to try to start eating a healthier breakfast to start my day off, and try to work out for at least 45 minutes 3 times a week. I don’t want to hear that it’s not enough to make a big difference, you have to work out three hours a day every day of the week, etc etc. I don’t work out AT ALL now, so 45 minutes a day 3 times a week WILL make a difference, and I am willing it to be so.

 

Oh and I want to have a better garden & more healthy succulents in 2018.

 

GOALS!

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not “haha” funny

While I just one post ago was defending my right to be sarcastic, judgemental, or I guess just shitty sometimes, I really feel the need today to be serious about a very serious issue.  Or I guess a couple of issues that pretty much tie into one.

Mental illness.

I do believe on some level that addiction is a mental illness, or it doesn’t start off that way. No matter what anyone says, you cannot convince me that using does not start as a choice that develops into a compulsive mental illness. Everyone I have ever met that has started using drugs has made the choice to use. That is  me, personally, making a PERSONAL statement. I’m not stating any facts

Anyway.

I have had a very close relationship with mental illness as well as addiction, from seeing it in other people to dealing with it myself. Having come to terms with it and making the choice to change my ways and deal with those issues, I do feel like I have the right to speak on the subject.

I would say my mom is probably the first person who I knew off the bat had a problem before I ever really knew what the “problem” was. When I was younger my mom was a compulsive drinker, she always had to have a boyfriend, she always had to be on some kind of substance and all of that took a front seat while my sister & I took a back seat. Like back of the back, like the fucking trunk. She literally drank and drugged and boyfriended herself into a car accident which left her declared dead for several minutes and broke my sister’s neck at the age of 3, because she just could not stop. I haven’t ever really gone into great detail about the effects this had on me because I don’t want to seem like I’m using the experience as a crutch or trying to get attention by talking about something that happened like 25 years ago. To this day I have it mentally ingrained in me that at any moment, the people I love will disappear from my life. I literally have carried with me since I was a child my mom saying “ok I’ll see you later! Love you!” then dying after she left and me not seeing her for months. Not a fun thing! Couple that with my dad leaving and basically never coming back into my life the way he should. Abandonment issues for days. After my mom’s accident, she was never the same. She just kept moving from place to place, making bad decision after bad decision and leaving me & my sister time after time. So I would say that is why I have never really felt comfortable with opening up 100% with anyone, and why I’ve always held people at a distance. I just never felt like constancy would be a real thing for me. So as I got older and my friends started doing different, mind altering things, I started trying them out for myself and I absolutely loved it. I loved feeling like “fuck it! This feels great right now” and then just rolling with that feeling for days. If we started drinking I never wanted to stop. The bottle would be halfway gone and I’d be panicking wondering how we could get more alcohol. I hoarded cigarettes because I DEFINITELY needed those. The anti-seizure medication we were stealing and taking was even better. We walked around in the dark all night looking at street lights’ light trails, touching each other’s arms because it felt like once your hand was off of the other person’s arm you could still feel it and it felt like it was stretching out for miles. I almost died twice trying a harder drug that I will not mention, but I learned a lesson there and never touched that shit again. Then came the white girl and we all know how that went. We had so much fun doing that shit. We just had fun and literally felt no need to stop whatsoever. We weren’t hurting anyone, we weren’t hurting ourselves (in our minds) we were just having a good time and enjoying our youth.

Then things started changing.

For some reason all of my friends started using pills. They loved pills. They were getting so doped up and moving so slow it was driving me crazy. They looked disgusting, nodding out and scratching. THEN they started smoking crack. That was when I had to just get away from them. I saw how out of control things got basically overnight. It wasn’t fun anymore, NO ONE was having a good time. They were so stressed out about where their next high was coming from that they were stressing ME out. I saw that same desperation that I had seen in my mom as a kid and it just shook me awake and I stopped hanging out with all my friends because I did not want to end up like that.

That was it. No dramatic story. No rock bottom. Just a conscious decision to stop wasting money and brain cells and not go any further down the rabbit hole. Meanwhile 80% of the people I was friends with back then now struggle with addiction or are dead. And that could have been me. That is the most sobering thing. I chose to get clean before I had kids, before I had a sick grandmother, before I was stealing to get high. I didn’t need any other reason than just not wanting to lose control.

On the flip side, my childhood trauma was light compared to what my friends had faced as kids. Sexual, physical, mental and emotional abuse really made them feel like using just erased all those bad feelings. And they couldn’t stop chasing that high because they just wanted to escape. I’m not saying drugs were the way to go, but I can see feeling trapped and that looking like a good way out.

Which brings me to this: my children having depression and addiction issues on both sides of the family is exactly WHY I let them be themselves. I encourage them to be goofy, to have fun. I try and am getting better at not berating them or making them feel like shit when they don’t live up to my standards and expectations. I do not want my children to think that drugs will solve their problems, or make them feel better, or keep them company because they are lonely. I have so many friends who have children now that are super young and already have so many problems because they are either afraid of their parents reactions to what they might say, or they are afraid of going unheard. It is scary. When the time comes I am sure I will have to tell my kids about my brush with drug use and using to cover up feelings I didn’t want to face, but I would rather be candid about my past for the sake of their future than to just cover it up and pretend it never happened.

the right to be opinionated

I recently (like an hour ago) posted on Facebook about a “friend” who constantly goes through break ups with her boyfriend and subsequently has to post pictures of her mile long cleavage for attention afterwards. It was just one of those snarky, passive aggressive things I’ve been wont to do basically my whole life. The thing is, one of the people who not only reveled in but encouraged me to do those things for years called me out about it today.

What the fuck?

My whole thing has always been sarcasm, outspokenness, dry humor, calling people out on their dumb shit. Hence the “enfant terrible.” That’s my whole life. And this is not an act, this is me 110%. Why am I getting shit for this now? You’re not allowed to buy a couple of crystals, attend a few “power meetings” and then chide me for asking someone to please tuck away her boobs when we all know she’s going to be back with the guy a week from now.

Also isn’t it kind of a double standard, me being judged for judging someone else? I mean when I was in my heyday and doing all kinds of dumb shit (and this was before I had kids, by the way) no one had any problem with calling me to the carpet and talking about what I was doing wrong. So there’s that. Someone call a foul on this person blocking what was essentially just me making a funny statement!

I’m full of light and love. I do love everyone and I do not ever ever ever dare call someone out for making the choice of showing their bodies. But what I will say is, you’re doing it now because you’re pissed off at the man you will undoubtedly take back. Try sparing yourself the humiliation of looking like a fucking fool. Or delete your kids off of your social media so they don’t have to see the shit every time they log on.

And don’t judge me for judging someone else!

about me

Enfant Terrible

noun

  1. An incorrigible child, as one whose behavior is embarrassing.
  2. An outrageously outspoken or bold person who says and does indiscreet or irresponsible things.
  3. A person whose work, thought or lifestyle is so unconventional or avant-garde as to appear revolutionary or shocking.

when you’re smiling the whole world smiles with you (:

So this morning I woke up nice & early, took a shower, got make up on, and did something I have been running too late the past few weeks to do:

Saged myself in the morning.

I legit burned sage around me for about 30 minutes this morning including on the car ride to work.

I just felt like I needed it with the meeting this morning and knowing some touchy subjects were going to be brought up. Also with the lightwork I have been trying to do lately, not like anything forceful or too big, I have just been sending vibrations out. I have really been combating a lot of negativity that way. A’s  mood is 100% better than it was a few days ago and I contribute that partially to my aggressive positivity. I absolutely refuse to give in to the negative vibes or the depressed nature. I literally am turning his frown upside down whether he realizes it and whether he likes it or not.

On another note, I have also been getting back on track with a dear friend of mine who is also such a light bringing person and such a positive soul. I am so glad that we are able to help each other through darker times to bring light and bring a better attitude to the situation. Life isn’t always going to be rainbows & unicorns and we know that, but when you have someone to shine a light on your darkness and give you a hand through it, it makes all the difference in the world.

Even some people who I will not name who I previously had such resentment for and just could not stand the THOUGHT OF I have really turned around my feelings toward them. Now more than anything I just feel bad for them that they live such a sad and unfulfilling life and don’t think there’s anything the matter with it. They just wallow in it. And if that’s what they want to do and that’s what gets them through their days, more power to them, I am just so blessed & happy that I don’t have to live that way anymore.

spiritual gangster

WHAT A WEEK WHAT A WEEK! I tried about 35 times to write a new blogpost but so so much has gone on in the past 7 days that I just could not. So now I have a whole ton of updating to do.

Last Tuesday A & I went to his back doctor’s office then went out for a little mini date night; GameStop, dinner and ice cream. We came home and I don’t know what came over him but lets just say we probably slept for about 2 hours out of the whole night.

Wednesday morning he woke up and his thumb looked 10 times worse than it ever had, so I told him I’d take him to the ER after work. The whole day I was at work I was getting pictures and FaceTimes of his thumb…I’ve seen more of his thumb than of my own.

We get to the hospital, and they immediately prioritized him. They had him go right back and get triaged, so then we got an order to go over to Union Memorial’s hand trauma clinic. Motherfucker. So that means me driving in the city at dusk with A all hopped up on dilaudid. Not a good time. Luckily we didn’t have to wait too long at Union Memorial, they pretty much took us right back and he got his thumb opened up and no infection! YAY! However, there was some dead tissue and they wanted to open him up for some exploratory work and to clean him out, so he got put on the OR schedule for first thing Thursday morning. It was another long, long night.

Thursday morning we woke up and got to talk a little bit before he had to go down to the OR. I sat with him and just kind of freaked out a little bit because this is definitely overwhelming in every sense of the word. We have only been together for 15 months (today is actually our 15 month anniversary. Love you hun) and we have just had everything thrown at us. When they took him back for surgery I left to go shower and get some food, and I just flashed back to last month when he said that he wasn’t going to rush into marriage after only a year, and I just kind of started crying. I think it has more to do with him than with me. Like his own personal thoughts of all the things that keep happening and all that we go through and he is so used to people giving up and leaving him. He’s not used to people sticking around through the good & bad and although I think I have proven that I am not going anywhere, he still has a bit of a rough time. I’m just being patient, positive, and willing into existence.

We spent Thursday in the hospital as well. Watching TV, stressing out, living the life. His hand was pretty bad that night with the pain, but they still let him come home Friday which was SUCH a relief.

The weekend passed relatively eventless. We didn’t really do much but go to E’s football evaluations. I guess it went well – I know nothing about actual football besides watching the Packers games. I’m just so so very happy that all parents get along well – after the recent shit I got out of with C & J and their kids I am beyond blessed in this situation. I think both natural parents also see changes in each other and its just really important and amazing that we can all build onto that.

Now I am just feeling a little bit more at peace. The weekend/this week has been so stressful and so wild and now I feel a change in me and I guess the universe to where things are becoming more manageable. I am still feeling all the emotional empath things that have been going on, and I’m still soaking in other people’s energies just not on such a level that I was last month where it was stressing me out and making me get overly emotional.

oh my starry eyed surprise

I don’t know what is going on with me lately but I have turned into quite an empath, and I don’t know how this happened. I’m kind of okay with it, although I am definitely not used to being emotionally influenced by other people’s feelings on such a high level. I literally have been looking at other people and their behaviors or the vibes they are giving off and I have not only felt influenced by it but I have also really tried to put myself in their shoes and imagine what they’re going through.

Don’t get me wrong, there are still plenty of people I do not sympathize for or with.

PLENTY of them.

But I have really opened up in a way that I have never before.

sad on purpose

Yesterday someone I used to work with, a “work friend,” and a friend of many of my friends killed herself. Granted this is not someone I “go way back with” or omg we were BFFs! I am extremely saddened by this. I think a part of my sadness stems from every single memory I have of her being her laughing hysterically and just saying such off the wall funny things. You never think about a person like that ever being sad. It just doesn’t happen. This is a person with a ton of friends, always a smile on her face, just the life of the party…until she isn’t anymore.

There are so many layers that can be peeled back to reveal how someone really is. Insecurities are the biggest killer of all time. I should know. I will feel absolutely fine about myself and then one comment from someone else or one wrong angle in the mirror and I feel disgusting. I will never ever let that on, I don’t show it at all, not that it ever really happens often enough for me to let it ruin my day. But it can be a killer of confidence and that is a huge thing.

I know sometimes I do things that make me sad on purpose, and I know a lot of other people that do these things too. When we stalk our exes, or even our current significant other’s ex on social media. Why are we doing this? Curiousity really kills the cat. It kills the cat, the trust, and any healing you may have done since exiting the relationship. But we do it anyway…and it is harmful every time. When we purposefully revisit the past, we are making ourselves sad on purpose.

I am making the conscience decision, not only for the people who have lost their lives to being sad, but to myself, not to be sad on purpose.

I want to be alive. I want to be happy.